Meet the Dominatrix Who Requires the Men Who Hire Her to Read Black Feminist Theory
Mistress Velvet is a dominatrix with a syllabus.
The Chicago-based master's graduate got her beginning in professional BDSM a few years ago. "I thought, well this could be something really fun, and it'south a lot of money, so why not try," she told HuffPost.
Nicki Sunshine
Individuals rent Mistress Velvet to be their "Domme," the person who takes the dominant role in a dominant/submissive relationship or arrangement. She says most of her clients are white, cisgender men.
Though initially driven by pride subsequently her first customer questioned whether she had the temperament for the gig, Mistress Velvet found the work personally rewarding, which motivated her to swoop in long term.
Over time, Mistress Velvet said she began "doing a lot of theorizing" most the ability dynamics of a black adult female property that kind of supremacy over a white cisgender human. She began introducing black feminist theory into her sessions with clients, who've told her their relationship in that space has impacted their behavior outside of it.
One client said he noticed he only held the door open for black women. Some other, whom Mistress Velvet educated nigh the systemic oppression of black women, founded a nonprofit to support black mothers on Chicago's Due south Side.
Mistress Velvet spoke with HuffPost about how her clients react to their assignments, BDSM as a space for black women'due south healing, and diversity and privilege in sex work.
How did you go started as a dominatrix?
I got started a couple years ago when I was working total time. I was like, I need more coin, or I'm going to go evicted. I had a friend who had done information technology for six years, and information technology seemed really interesting. I asked her more virtually it, and I idea, well this could be something actually fun, and likewise it's a lot of coin, and so why not effort.
I was not good at information technology at all. My first client ― he was so prissy. After a few attempts, he said, "Honestly, y'all volition never be a Domme," because I would apologize every time I striking him.
I recall that him maxim that ― it kind of felt similar a challenge to myself: I tin exist a Domme, I can do this.
When did it go from that, from proving y'all had the ability, to something you were motivated to do for yourself?
My relationship with it has definitely inverse. Of course, it provides economic stability first and foremost. When I started, I was engaging in survival sex essentially, considering I needed to make money and not get evicted and get out of this relationship that I wasn't enjoying.
Eventually, I realized, wow, I'm emotionally invested in my clients. They're getting this safe space. The means that patriarchy impacts men, they can't really be submissive in a lot of contexts. They come to me looking for a safe infinite to explore the parts of them that may non be seen as masculine, or they might have a lot of shame around. They may not have opportunities to be their full selves in a lot of ways, including sexually, because of those societal constraints.
I really liked that attribute of it, and that's what drew me to it more. Also, I was doing a lot of theorizing about it.
Braden Nesin
Photo credit: Braden Nesin, Hella Positive Pinup
Can you elaborate on that? When did yous start to innovate theory about power dynamics into that power dynamic?
I would say, first and foremost, that I draw it equally a form of reparations ― not in a systemic style similar we're getting land dorsum, but definitely on an individual level, it provides me with an emotional sense of reparations. That's because of the nature of the dynamic ― that [my clients] unremarkably are white men, that they're directly, and they're unremarkably pretty well-off to exist able to sustain a relationship with a Domme.
I started to think more near my relationship with them. A lot of them were asking questions. Some people were saying, "This is really impacting me in terms of how I think outside of our sessions." A client said he started to notice he would but hold the door open up for black women. One client started an organization for black single mothers in the South Side of Chicago.
"Simply allowing them to be submissive doesn't allow for the more than desperate shift in the framework and thinking that I want. Then I have to bring in my girls, like Audre Lorde and Patricia Colina Collins, and make these men really read about black feminism."
It fabricated me remember. I am now given this platform to make white, cis men remember about things in certain means. But allowing them to be submissive doesn't always allow for the more drastic shift in the framework and thinking that I desire. So I have to bring in my girls, similar Audre Lorde and Patricia Colina Collins, and make these men actually read about black feminism. Then, it's moving from them simply fetishizing black women, to realizing: This is a systemic upshot I'thou contributing to past the virtue of being a white man and beingness rich.
What kind of feedback do you get when you introduce that concept to the people who come to you? Are people usually up for it?
Well, I don't usually enquire their permission [laughs].
Oh right, that's the point.
But truthfully I don't know. They don't ask, "How did I practise today?" I just make them practise it. The feedback is that they're still in that location. And they come back. And they get very into reading the essays. When I give them permission to recollect through the readings, and we talk almost it and they'll say, "I've but never idea well-nigh these things, this was really helpful."
I recollect it really makes them idolize me on a different level. They desire to believe that y'all are a Domme 24/7. If I'm non only doing these physical things to them, but also proverb, "Hey, my graduate educational activity is likewise focused on BDSM as healing for black women, and I call up about this all the time." And then they're like, "Whoa, yeah, she's the real deal." They kind of get terrified. Simply I think it makes it more real for them.
What are some specific readings you assign?
I usually start with Patricia Colina Collins' Black Feminist Thought. It'south a bit old, some things accept been contested, but it'south a actually skillful volume. She has this one chapter on controlling images that I'grand obsessed with. So I brand them read that.
"The feedback is that they're still in that location. And they come back."
In terms of unpacking their manner of fetishizing black women and stereotypes about black women, I ask them, "Why do you want to exist in my presence, why do you notice me attractive?" And sometimes they might say things that and then remind me of stereotypes of black women ― like a jezebel or something ― then I'll have them read a piece about how what they said is chronicle d to this celebrated phenomenon about thinking about black women. I say, "Here are its roots. Here's why it's problematic." That fashion, I can say, you can idolize me, only we need to have it be done in a way that isn't also problematic.
Other readings or passages come up from Sister Outsiders past Audre Lorde, The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander, The Black Body In Ecstasy by Jennifer Nash, The Color of Kink by Ariane Cruz, and selections from the anthology This Bridge Called My Back .
Can you lot talk more nigh the idea of BDSM equally healing for black women?
Ane of the chapters that I wrote [for my thesis] was a picayune bit about my work equally a Domme, only also just generally the thought of BDSM equally a space where nosotros could really piece of work through a lot of the stuff that we experience. So what I mean by that is what kind of emotional, mental and social benefits could exist cultivated in a space where a black woman is dominant over a white man? What kind of benefits does that have in our lives?
"What kind of emotional, mental, and social benefits could be cultivated in a infinite where a black adult female is ascendant over a white man?"
I'thousand not arguing that it actually has systemic benefits necessarily, but I'one thousand arguing that, in the sense that there is so much black femme trauma, to be able to be in a space for an hour, then you leave that space and become back to being one of the about oppressed group ― in that hour, it tin can be really liberating. Information technology can be a form of self-intendance.
I argue that because that'due south certainly what I have experienced for the most role. Not to say information technology'southward not without its complications.
What are some other effects the sessions take on you?
Without trying to romanticize it too much, it has a lot of furnishings. Honestly, I leave the session feeling completely exhausted. There's only a lot of pre-work. I endeavor to draft the scene based on the things that they tell me they like. Y'all have to practice something original every time.
And it's not necessarily natural to me to be dominant, especially this level of dominant, the whole time. It is kind of function that I embody ― a office that I savour, but it is still a lot of piece of work.
I don't experience this that much anymore now that I work in a dungeon and I have a screening process, but there used to be a lot more than fear merely of people not treating me well, the general fears and anxieties that sex workers have.
What is the transition from a session back into regular life like?
When I leave the dungeon, if I don't drive and I walk the few blocks to the train, I'll get street harassed. So after an hour of beating someone and heaving this kind of dialogue, I get out that and I'k back in my regular clothes walking and minding my own business and someone street harasses me. I'k similar, really? Information technology's so polarizing. Information technology's so jarring. I'm non saying that I demand to vanquish every man that I meet, but I also don't empathise why I tin't walk ii blocks without being harassed.
Though there seems to be a more visible discussion of BDSM lately, it seems to revolve around white women. Are there more black women in this infinite than people might expect?
Coming from the perspective of a Domme that has a Domme community, I think in that location are actually a lot of blackness Dommes. The reason why we are erased is because ― the truth is ― near people who are looking for women are looking for white cis women. There are a lot of Dommes, at that place are a lot of black Dommes and we do a lot of things together. But when y'all recollect about us every bit a group versus our dom friends that are white, we are making much less money. We have much less traffic to our website. People aren't looking for us as much, but we're here.
"I'm not saying that I demand to beat every man that I run across, only I besides don't understand why I can't walk two blocks without being harassed."
I find domming and sex work to exist such a microcosm of the overarching systems at play. The things yous'll see happening in other jobs and other industries, y'all'll see happening in sex work.
How take your friends and family unit reacted to what you do?
I haven't shared information technology with most of my family, except for my siblings. They're just similar, "You practice you." They trust that I'thousand doing something I like with which I will exist condom and not go to jail for. In terms of friends, I have a really supportive community.
What are some of the biggest misconceptions about what you lot practise?
I try to not bring 50 Shades Of Grey up, but it has definitely created a stereotype of BDSM. I mean, l Shades Of Greyness is super problematic.
Beyond that, the misconceptions are: One, people think that you are probably wearing leather all the time. I am not. It's non part of my aesthetic and I think information technology'south itchy. Another is that you lot don't have any emotional investment, that you lot're but really harsh and detached and common cold, and y'all crush for no reason. Simply this actually involves a lot of skill. Yous have to really railroad train yourself to use the different things, to employ rope and to practice in a way that is ethical and safe.
I become very attached to my people, because we're getting something emotionally out of this. I'm providing a service starting time and foremost, just I'm also getting a lot out of it. You see someone every week or every month and you can build a relationship with someone. I sometimes feel like I'chiliad in a mini-relationship with my people. I didn't know that was going to happen. I didn't know I was going to intendance.
Does that brand it harder or easier for you?
I think information technology makes it easier, because it makes information technology more than genuine. There's something actually beautiful about existence able to provide someone with pain, but in a manner that fundamentally is loving. I'm going to spank you, merely I know what your boundaries and hurting levels are. I know what feels good for yous. Information technology's a relationship, and that feels nice.
Are the relationships the most rewarding part of information technology for you?
Honestly, the most rewarding part is later on. We all like to exist affirmed. Of course I like to hear if they think information technology's been a really great session. But I think what I similar the most is, what I talked most earlier, that they come to trust me. People terminate up really growing and learning more well-nigh themselves in that space. I feel very honored that I can provide that.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity and length.
CORRECTION: A previous version of this article misspelled the word "Domme" and used incorrect punctuation for this context. A previous version of this story also misstated the writer of The Color of Kink, which written by Ariane Cruz and not Adriene Cruz.
Source: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/mistress-velvet_n_5a822b50e4b00ecc923d4eba
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